I’ve avoided confrontation for a long time because in my mind confrontation equated to a negative situation. In my mind, I always noted confrontation to be based on what I believed the outcome was going to be. I assumed I knew how the other person was going to react in an unfair way. I would have the conversation in my head before it happened and come up with all the scenarios of how it would pan out. This made me back down because I was fearful. Fearful of not being heard, fearful of being misunderstood, and fearful of even losing certain relationships.

Fear of rejection has a way of keeping you silent and falsely feeling protected, because being vulnerable comes at a cost. We avoid giving someone else the keys to our darkest secrets and hurts. So, we lock them up. We suppress and move on. We cut off and leave unresolved. We walk around as if nothing ever bothers us but the truth is we just ignored the things that did, so years later they come out in other ways. When someone else does something similar, that triggers the very same pain from the past. It isn’t their fault but because you suppressed it and never dealt with it, now it’s their loss. You gave them something that never even belonged to them.

Why do we avoid confrontation so much?

Is it, as I mentioned earlier, the fear of being misunderstood by the person on the other sides defense mechanisms? Do we play out conversations in our head before they even exist? Do we pretend we know the outcome in advance? Are we fearful of letting our guard down? Do we handle situations based on previous situations and how they ended up? Do we fear being hurt more?

I am a firm believer that everyone has a season in our lives. Some seasons are long, and some are short. However, I don’t believe we fully get to decide the season. God has a plan for every person we meet. It is our job to then seek him for the purpose. Sometimes we make friends out of people that we were only meant to encourage through something. Sometimes we don’t befriend people that God has planned to help us on our path.

I also believe we need to set healthy boundaries for our life. I don’t believe we should stick it through in a relationship that continues to not grow. If you have grown and the other person hasn’t , then there will be already a natural separation. Some people are not mature enough to handle your feelings. That’s ok! When we recognize that, then we must use wisdom because your peace also comes at a cost. Ultimately, we cannot control how someone else receives our feelings. It is our job to come to them, as vulnerable as we can, in a non threatening way. Once we do that and see how it plays out, we can then decipher where that relationship stands. You can’t assume how it will go. You can, however, approach it and then move forward whichever way that may be. This way, you don’t continue to carry around unresolved feelings and hurts, hurting more people.

The main point here is that for us, we are living our most healthy, healed lives. In order to do that we have to be willing to have the hard conversations. Being vulnerable is NOT a weakness and you shouldn’t fear how someone uses your vulnerability. You will be free and they will continue to be captive to their negativity. I hope something I said encouraged you!

Be blessed until next time,

Ash

We could probably write 1000 books and still only graze the surface of what love actually is. There are some key points about love that will help us have a better basic understanding.

I believe our first ideals of love are misshapen by our experiences, what we see in culture, and the picture that entertainment has painted for us. Love is depicted as a fairytale or a conditional set of theatrics.

It is one of the most powerful four letter words. It has the ability to encourage, empower, build, strengthen, heal, bond, and so much more. Why then has this word been so tainted and misconstrued? I believe it is because of our level of understanding and the examples we saw as children on what love is.

We were created to give love and receive love. As children we gain the most basic concepts of love. Our parents nurture, correct, lead, give us affection, spend time with us, and validate us. When any of those areas lack in our childhood, then our ideal of love becomes twisted. For instance, if you grow up in a home where your parents constantly fought, that is what you believe love to be. So as you grow older you too seek out similar relationships.

As a girl, our father is the first example of love we experience. It is the fathers job to validate their daughter. For me I grew up with an emotionally unavailable father. He was in the home until my parents divorced when I was 11. During those years my only basis of relationship with my dad was when I was in trouble. He wasn’t the dad that spent time with me, gave me compliments, encouraged me, or even really said too much. He provided financially and provided the discipline. That left a void in me. So as I grew older I always went looking for validation or just to feel like someone loved me. On top of that he was abusive to my mother. Physically, mentally, and emotionally. I too looked for men that resembled this, thinking it was normal and what love was. I went through a series of abusive relationships and the last one before now, almost killed me.

I struggled to understand why no one loved me. It felt like I never experienced love at all. Well until I met God.

The last abusive relationship I went through brought me to God. I wasn’t looking for God if I’m being honest, but he showed up anyhow. I had gotten to my lowest place and I got on my knees in my bathroom and I prayed to die. I was 23 with a 6 week old baby. I was ready to give up. He had other plans though. He brought some people into my life that introduced me to him. He pursed me and was patient with me as I struggled to find my way. Once he came to me when I was on my bathroom floor, he has never left me since.

He began a process in me that has been growing from then until now. He showed me what real love is and here are some of the key things I have learned over the years.

Love is a commitment- Being committed to something is a conscious decision and dedication. When you are dedicated to something, you aren’t easily swayed to just stop doing it. A lot of people will say “I fell out of love.” That is not true. You did however decide not to be dedicated to the commitment of love anymore. This leads me to my second point.

Love is NOT a feeling- love is an action word. It is something we must continuously put work into. Feelings are fickle and change constantly. Love, however, is a constant choice we make despite how we feel. If someone does something that hurts us, what we need to do is address the hurt and still love. Easier said then done sometimes but again it is a choice.

Love shouldn’t be with condition- “If you do this for me, then I’ll do that for you,” or “If you don’t do this then I’m not doing that.” We should always be the example of love we want to receive regardless to how we are treated in the first place.

I will insert some scriptures here that really helped me understand love. The first one God showed me was how to love others the way he does.

1 Peter 3:8-9

⁸ Finally, all of you be of one mind, having compassion for one another; love as brothers, be tenderhearted, be^[a]courteous; ^{9 (A)}not returning evil for evil or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary ^(B)blessing, knowing that you were called to this, ^(C)that you may inherit a blessing.

This scripture is the epitome of being the bigger person. If someone hurts you, this scripture says to bless them in return. Say what? Like God, nah. The thing is though, hate will never produce love. It will only produce more hate. What someone else does is not on you. When you do the right thing, God will handle the rest. Vengeance is his and not ours.

Second is the love chapter of the Bible. It details how we should love and how God loves us.

1 Corinthians 13

13 If I speak in the tongues^[a](A) of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. ² If I have the gift of prophecy^(B) and can fathom all mysteries^(C) and all knowledge,^(D) and if I have a faith^(E) that can move mountains,^(F) but do not have love, I am nothing. ³ If I give all I possess to the poor^(G) and give over my body to hardship that I may boast,^[b](H) but do not have love, I gain nothing.

⁴ Love is patient,^(I) love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.^(J) 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking,^(K) it is not easily angered,^(L) it keeps no record of wrongs.^(M) 6 Love does not delight in evil^(N) but rejoices with the truth.^(O) 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.^(P)

⁸ Love never fails. But where there are prophecies,^(Q) they will cease; where there are tongues,^(R) they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. ⁹ For we know in part^(S) and we prophesy in part, ¹⁰ but when completeness comes,^(T) what is in part disappears. ¹¹ When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood^(U) behind me. ¹² For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror;^(V) then we shall see face to face.^(W) Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.^(X)

¹³ And now these three remain: faith, hope and love.^(Y) But the greatest of these is love.^(Z)

There’s so much in this scripture, it would take a lifetime to grasp it all. However, as we ask God to help us love like he does , he will help us do just that.

I hope something I said has encouraged you! ❤️❤️❤️❤️

Be blessed, until next time

Ash

So now that we have talked about behavior and how to correct it, let’s talk about what happens as a result of not correcting it early on.

The areas that we struggle with as adults when we don’t learn the correct way to handle our behavior early on are:

• Poor impulse control
• Self-destructive behavior
• Aggressive behavior
• Eating disorders
• Reenactment of traumatic event/past

Remember, when we talk about behavior we are talking about a reaction to something external in our environment. So behavior is caused when something is going on around us that causes us to react in a way that signals we don’t like whatever is happening.

Let’s look at each of these areas a little more in depth.

Poor impulse control: Impulse is defined as a sudden strong and unreflective urge or desire to act. This means these actions we do without thinking beforehand of the consequences. Some examples of poor impulse control are: Lying, stealing, overeating, destroying property, and even compulsive shopping.

This may stem from growing up in verbal abuse, physical abuse, emotional abuse, or seeing people explosively react to situations. This can also come from having an unhealthy balance of yes and no. If someone is told they can never have something, once they get on their own they will tend to splurge on that thing. So much so, that it can become an addiction. Poor impulse comes from a desire to control what we can around us when we can’t control the environment we are in.

Self destructive behavior: This can be defined as causing harm to ones self physically or emotionally. We see a lot of self destructive behavior in people who suffer with low self esteem and depression. It can also stem from not learning how to cultivate healthy relationships and boundaries. If you were bullied or put down, intentionally or unintentionally, you may also suffer with self destructive behavior. These are the people who tend to push people away before they can get hurt. Other self destructive behaviors can be self injury, binge eating, gambling, addictions, and shopping. We use these areas to fill the voids and unworthiness we feel about our self.

Aggressive behavior is the opposite of self destructive behavior. It is when you cause harm emotionally or physically to someone else. Aggression itself is not the problem. Everyone experiences moments of anger. It is the excessive aggression that carries with us that becomes the problem and causes us to lash out. We see this in children who didn’t have enough one on one time with their parents. Without those moments of connection with our children, often, they tend to hold things in and learn to deal with them in aggressive ways. If they are never able to express their feelings, then they carry them and let them out in other ways. This is an area that may have also been modeled to us. If your parents argued a lot or you were always screamed at because your parents didn’t know how to talk to you in a calm way, you may suffer with aggressive behaviors. This leads to having poor relationships because we haven’t learned to deal with our emotions in a healthy way.

Eating disorders are not just an unhealthy relationship with food. They often stem from a mental health aspect. People who struggle with an eating disorder usually have a poor sense of self. They maybe were bullied, taunted, and put down as a child. It could of also come from a parent who made comments in reference to their weight. This could be if they were overweight or underweight. I think parents have the best intentions but don’t think before they say things. As a kid I remember family members saying things like “Do you really think you should be eating that?” “Your getting pretty big.” Those things made me believe that is who I really am. Fat, ugly, and an overeater. So I identified with that and it has carried with me through life. Society, while it is changing, for years portrayed images of the “ideal” look and made it impossible to just love you for who you are. If you were not validated and shown your self worth at an early age, you may suffer with an eating disorder.

Reenactment of a traumatic event: They say you are stuck at the age mentally of the most traumatic event that happened to you. It is my belief that we recreate the scenario because we were never able to heal from it. It carries with us through life and anyone or anything that resembles it, becomes it. We treat them or the situation as if it were the one we experienced earlier on because it looks similar or reminds us of something that happened to us. Until we face or heal our traumas they keep popping up.

I wanted to give you a basis of things we may struggle with in our adulthood. The beautiful thing is, it is never to late to change any area of your life that you want to change. It starts by identifying where we need change and then cultivating a plan to get there. A lot of the things in this trauma series are not easy to face. Trust me, I have my fair share of struggles. I do believe, however, if we can become aware of our traumas and begin the process of healing, we can become free of the burden we feel from them. The idea behind this series was to get us thinking and asking questions about who we are, where we are at, and who we want to become. I want you to do some self reflection this week. Sit in a quiet place and ponder on these things. Write down what you want to change about yourself or areas you are tired of struggling with. It will take some hard work, but it is possible and in your reach.

I hope some of this information has blessed you! As always I’m praying for all my readers and if you need help in anyway you can reach out and I will do what I can to help you get the ball rolling!

Until next time, be blessed!

Ash

I’m sitting on my back porch minding my business watching church when in comes this RUDE bee that I did not invite into my space. He then proceeded into the house because the door was open. Guess I can’t fault him for not knocking. So I grab my bug spray and go to hunt him down. I was on a mission. He flew into my kitchen windows. I’m going to try to paint this picture for you of how my windows are set up. So first, my kitchen counters are not even real kitchen counters. They are a bootleg version of a kitchen counter made out of some random wood. That’s a whole other story. The windows go down behind the counter to the point I can’t even open them. Matter of fact here’s a picture for reference.

So the bee flew onto the shade and I start spraying him, like “Haha, you won’t make it another further!” So he crawls into the window hoping he will find a way to survive. Long story short, he didn’t.

What I saw when I lifted the shade however, is the true reason for the story. So I am a VERY clean person. Anyone who knows me knows I clean EVERYTHING. Somehow, I never thought to clean the windows and down the side because it’s hidden and I honestly never thought to look there. So this annoying creature comes in and forces me to look at something I never would of noticed on my own.

It got me thinking about the pestilences that come into our life and interrupt our peace. It can be your car breaking down, a miscommunication between you and someone else, your children not listening, and losing a job just to name a few. Without them things are going pretty smoothly. It isn’t until life throws us some annoying circumstances that we see the hidden rough parts of ourselves exposed. What is our first reaction? Whatever it is, shows us where we are.

I used to have really bad anger issues and sometimes I STILL have my moments. I used to just explode anytime something uncomfortable or out of my control happened. It took me several circumstances and God to finally change how I react when something happens.

I believe God exposes our inner self to us so that we can see areas that we may have pushed down, suppressed, avoided, or covered up. We can usually go through our daily lives with a smile on our face and a pep in our step until something happens that takes us off course and out of character. Frustration, anger, bitterness, rage, jealousy, envy, and strife just to name a few. This is not a bad thing though! If these things never become exposed to us, we wouldn’t know where we needed an attitude adjustment or where we needed to change.

Let’s face it, it is tiring reacting to situations in a more anxiety anger driven way. It causes buckets of stress and our emotions to go haywire. None of that feels good or is good for us. Most of the time we learn afterwards that those first emotions didn’t help the situation at all, they just made it worse.

So when situations arise this week and expose our inner most hidden areas, embrace it. Look at it as a measuring tool to see where you are mentally, spiritually, attitudly (yes I made that up), characteristically, and emotionally. The more we know where we are, the better we can ask God for help and begin to work on the qualities that don’t help us but keep us in a negative disposition. God wants us to abide in joy and peace. It is going through these experiences that we learn how to get to the place where we can say, “Even though this is happening right now and it’s difficult, I’m going to choose to look at it in a positive way.” You can choose to have joy no matter what is happening in or around you! It is a continuous conscious effort and through intentionality. “I messed up in that moment, but I’ll be more prepared next time.”

Be blessed until next time,

Ash

Most of our behaviors and habits are linked to how we identify ourselves.
How are you identifying yourself today?
What is one small step you can take to change the way you identify yourself?
It is in the execution of small decisions that changes how we identify ourselves.
We have to start doing the actions of who we want to be in order to start identifying ourselves as that. As we do this little by little it will start to become who we are.

If we merely set goals instead of changing how we identify ourselves, then we will be stuck in a cycle of outcome based change as opposed to identity based change. Outcome based change only lasts until we reach our goal. If we change our identity though, it becomes a lifelong change.

For instance, if you want to be a healthy person you must start telling yourself “I am a healthy person.” Then little by little make healthier choices. Ask yourself what would a healthy person do? If the goal is to just loose a certain amount of weight, then once you lose it you will stop because you put your effort into the outcome instead of continuing a healthy lifestyle and creating a habit of healthiness.

If you want to be a writer the outcome based approach would be to write a book. The identity based change would be writing everyday and identifying yourself as a writer.

There are so many examples. Think of who you want to be and start being that person until it becomes your identity!

If you are identifying yourself in a negative way, STOP THAT!

Stop telling yourself things that you no longer want to be.

“I am always going to be a failure.”

“It runs in my family.”

“I’m so out of shape.”

“I’m ugly.”

“I’m not a morning person.”

“I’m not that smart.”

“I’ve been smoking since I was a teenager.”

“Alcoholism runs in my family.”

I think you get my drift. Even if some of these statements hold some truth, if you continue you tell yourself such things, that’s who you will continue to identify yourself as. So STOP IT!

Your successful, beautiful, healthy, amazing, and so much more!

Be blessed until next time,

Ash

I can think of several situations in my walk with God when he gave me an instruction. I’m not gonna lie, when he first gave me some instructions, I was SUPER hesitant. Like when he called me to be a teacher. I would question how on earth he thinks I can teach anyone? Yes I’m knowledgeable and yes I’m capable but my insecurities of not being good enough would hold me captive to playing it safe. If I didn’t go out there and start teaching, writing, or leading, then I couldn’t fail or be embarrassed. I was looking at it from my perspective, instead of his. It wasn’t until I leaped into it by faith that I saw why he called me to it in the first place. A lot of the instructions God gives us can be way out of our comfort zone. Usually this is because God sees in us what we cannot see in ourselves. He knows the capabilities we have to be successful in a situation before we even get there.

Think of it like when you look at your children. You know the areas that they can really strive in even if they are not so sure. So as their parents, we give them a little push. For instance, if your child is good at sports, you sign them up for the team and bring them to practices and games. If your child has a musical talent you may sign them up for lessons to put that talent to work. God does the same to us! Honestly, we don’t even know how capable we are until we receive the push. It is in the push that we learn obedience, perseverance, discipline, dedication, character, and purpose.

Side note: An indicator of your purpose is in things God calls you to do that you wouldn’t normally choose for yourself.

What keeps us from doing the things God instructs us to do without hesitation? It can be several things. For me, I know fear, insecurities, and doubt are three of the big ones. Sometimes I ask God things like, “Are you sure?” Or “Can’t you use someone else?” Lol. God politely tells me no. So the first step is, I have to get over myself! Truth be told God isn’t going to change the assignment because I don’t want to do it. So it just creates a circle I loop through until I say yes. I have to remember if God knows me better than I know me, he wouldn’t ask me to do anything I couldn’t actually do. If God called you to it, he will take you through it!

It is in the act of obedience that we receive the revelation of why God asked us to do it in the first place. We won’t know why God asked us to do something until we do it. Why is that? If God gave you all the answers before the task, then most of us would indefinitely back out. We would allow all of our justifications and excuses to reign greater than the one who knows us best. If we back out we will never unlock our greatest selves. We will live in a state of comfortability, never gaining and never growing.

What would taking a leap of faith look like for you today? What is something you haven’t tried because of fear, insecurity, or doubt? I challenge you today to take a leap of faith! It may be difficult, but after you jump it won’t seem nowhere near as difficult as you made it out to be. Come out of your comfort zone. Decide that you will no longer be defined by the things that hold you back! You got this!

Be blessed until next time,

Ash

Behavior consists of ones external response to their environment.

Before doing research and having certain experiences with my own children , I was very ignorant to behaviors and what they actually mean. I used to look at kids that were acting out negative behaviors as a means to be destructive, defiant, and downright bad. I made assumptions and would judge other parents and say things like, “My kid would NEVER act like that,” or “I wish my kid would try me like that!” Now I have a different understanding and realization of why children act out sometimes the way they do. I’ve had a fair share of struggles with my own kids. Some people will tell you, “They just need a good beatin/spankin.” Hitting your child rarely, if at all, yields the results your actually looking for. It is a temporary fix. It may suppress the behavior for a moment but it still doesn’t get to the root issue of the behavior. It will actually cause bigger issues that we sometimes don’t even think about. Using this method of discipline will unintentionally cause them to keep their feelings inside and suppress certain situations because of how the parent may react. This leads to more secretive behaviors which causes the parent to become even more upset. Studies show that children who receive spankings are more likely on show aggression and anger later in life. It also teaches them that hitting someone when your frustrated is normal.

It is important for us parents to take a second, breathe, and think before we react. Usually our first reaction is not always the best. When our children act out, our first feeling is usually anger and frustration. With consistency and the right tools we can teach our children how to properly deal with their behaviors and teach them consequences without losing our cool.

Through trial and error here are some things you can do to stop behaviors. Again it will take consistency.

10 Healthy Discipline Strategies That Work

The AAP recommends positive discipline strategies that effectively teach children to manage their behavior and keep them from harm while promoting healthy development. These include:

1. Show and tell. Teach children right from wrong with calm words and actions. Model behaviors you would like to see in your children.
2. Set limits. Have clear and consistent rules your children can follow. Be sure to explain these rules in age-appropriate terms they can understand.
3. Give consequences. Calmly and firmly explain the consequences if they don’t behave. For example, tell her that if she does not pick up her toys, you will put them away for the rest of the day. Be prepared to follow through right away. Don’t give in by giving them back after a few minutes. But remember, never take away something your child truly needs, such as a meal.
4. Hear them out. Listening is important. Let your child finish the story before helping solve the problem. Watch for times when misbehavior has a pattern, like if your child is feeling jealous. Talk with your child about this rather than just giving consequences.
5. Give them your attention. The most powerful tool for effective discipline is attention—to reinforce good behaviors and discourage others. Remember, all children want their parent’s attention.
6. Catch them being good. Children need to know when they do something bad–and when they do something good. Notice good behavior and point it out, praising success and good tries. Be specific (for example, “Wow, you did a good job putting that toy away!”).
7. Know when not to respond. As long as your child isn’t doing something dangerous and gets plenty of attention for good behavior, ignoring bad behavior can be an effective way of stopping it. Ignoring bad behavior can also teach children natural consequences of their actions. For example, if your child keeps dropping her cookies on purpose, she will soon have no more cookies left to eat. If she throws and breaks her toy, she will not be able to play with it. It will not be long before she learns not to drop her cookies and to play carefully with her toys.
8. Be prepared for trouble. Plan ahead for situations when your child might have trouble behaving. Prepare them for upcoming activities and how you want them to behave.
9. Redirect bad behavior. Sometimes children misbehave because they are bored or don’t know any better. Find something else for your child to do.
10. Call a time-out. A time-out can be especially useful when a specific rule is broken. This discipline tool works best by warning children they will get a time out if they don’t stop, reminding them what they did wrong in as few words―and with as little emotion―as possible, and removing them from the situation for a pre-set length of time (1 minute per year of age is a good rule of thumb). With children who are at least 3 years old, you can try letting their children lead their own time-out instead of setting a timer. You can just say, “Go to time out and come back when you feel ready and in control.” This strategy, which can help the child learn and practice self-management skills, also works well for older children and teens.

This info came from healthychildren.org. There is a plethora of good information on this site. They even break it down to age range and what to do at every stage. I will put it as a reference below.

Being a parent is hard work! I’m not gonna lie sometimes I am tempted to take the easy route when I’m upset with my children instead of take the time to really figure out what’s going on. However, in order to effectively instill the things our kids need, we are going to have to work at it. If you make a mistake, breathe and try again. There is no perfect parent out there. We must continually and intentionally take the steps to be the best parents we can so that we teach our children how to be the best people they can be. We are their first example with everything. They are watching our every move. So it’s vital for us to be mindful of who we are shaping to become an adult one day. We must give them the tools to be as successful as possible!

American Academy of Pediatrics 2021: Healthychildren.org

Next post will be about the possible negative effects when behavior control isn’t taught properly.

Be blessed until next time,

Ash

It is easier to have a positive mindset when things are going well. There is an ease of stress when our bills are paid, we have food in our house, the kids are acting “good”, and we can even afford to buy the things we want. However, it is not as easy when things are going not so much in our favor. We tend to stress when we can’t make ends meet and don’t know what we are going to do. Our kids aren’t acting right, the job is going awry and we don’t know if we can afford our next meal.

So what is it that makes us have such a drastic difference when times are “good” or “bad”? Well let’s think about this. First we dictate things good or bad based on how they make us feel. The problem with this it that feelings are fickle. They come and they go and they are not stable. Therefore, we cannot be stable when we allow them to lead us.

In James chapter 1 it tells us to do the exact opposite of what we do. It says to count troubling times with joy:

James 1: 2-4

2 Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles of any kind come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. 3 For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. 4 So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing

What? How can we have joy when nothing is going “right”?

Paul says in the book of Philippians chapter 4 vrs 11 this:

Not that I speak from [any personal] need, for I have learned to be content [and self-sufficient through Christ, satisfied to the point where I am not disturbed or uneasy] regardless of my circumstances.

What is he saying? To be content means to be in a state of peaceful happiness. He’s saying that no matter what state he finds himself in, whether he has or he doesn’t: he is peacefully happy. So how do we apply that to our lives?

We have to change the source from where we deal with situations. In our feelings. While we are created to have feelings, feelings are the opposite of faith. Feelings are of the flesh. If something makes us feel “bad” then we call it “bad”. We don’t stop to think, what is this trying to teach me? Trust me, everything we go through is meant to teach us something. Back to the book of James, it is literally telling us to have joy because when our faith is tested (by our trials and tribulations), it is creating patience within us. Trials and “hard” times are meant to build us. They build not just our patience but our endurance, our character, our future ability to handle even greater struggles, and so much more.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear NO EVIL. So, even though I’m down and out, this is NOT my permanent stay. I am here temporarily to gain some wisdom, some knowledge, more faith, and the ability to endure whatever may come my way.

What it boils down to then is a mindset. It is faith, the opposite of feelings. Faith is literally believing something you can’t see. In other words, even though it seems like a struggle right now, I KNOW it won’t last. Sometimes you gotta literally speak these things out loud.

In Romans 12:2 it tells us:

And do not be conformed to this world [any longer with its superficial values and customs], but be transformed and progressively changed [as you mature spiritually] by the renewing of your mind [focusing on godly values and ethical attitudes], so that you may prove [for yourselves] what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect [in His plan and purpose for you].

We have to constantly renew our mind keeping our focus on the plan and purpose of God. Trust me, although it doesn’t seem like it, he knows what’s best for us. He knows exactly what we need to withstand anything that comes our way. His desire and plan IS for us to prosper. That doesn’t mean we won’t experience “hard” times. You will see I put quotes around things like “good”, “bad”, “hard”. This is because these are terms we use in our fleshy feelings to describe what is happening.

Trouble indeed doesn’t last always!

Your words have power. So in times of trouble we can absolutely have joy. We must change our mindset and speak positively into our situation! It will turn around.

Challenge yourself: Today I want you to pay attention to how you react to situations that occur. Do you find yourself stressing out, getting upset and frustrated? If so, try to insert something positive instead. “This may not be working in my favor right now, but I know this won’t last.” “So and so made me upset, but maybe they were just having a “bad” day, lord bless them.” Try changing how you react to what’s happening and I would love to hear your results!

Bless you, until next time. 🙌🏻

Ash

Affect Regulation can be defined as the attempt to control or alter ones mood and emotional state to maximize pleasant experiences and minimize unpleasant ones.

Affect Regulation is the ability for us to experience a range of emotions and feelings and keep them in control. When we have poor affect regulation, we become easily overwhelmed, we numb ourselves, use drugs and alcohol, we disassociate with what we are feeling, and we stay busy doing something else. In other words, we find a way to avoid our original feelings or emotions in a situation with a coping mechanism.

For instance, your job just let you go. That news can be devastating to anyone. Our initial feelings when this happens could be fear, sadness, anger, anxiety, etc. What we do next with those feelings, determines how well we are able to regulate are emotions. One with poor regulation in this scenario may get depressed, stressed, anxious, or just plain numb. They may turn to something to cope with the difficult news. One who can regulate their emotions, however, will deal with the initial feelings and then turn it into a positive. For instance, “I may have lost that job, but there is a better opportunity ahead.” This is just one general example. Think of areas of your life that are the most stressful. Then ask yourself how can I cope in a more positive way?

When we experience attachment issues, this can lead to a disruption in how we learn to effectively regulate our emotions.

There are two categories of poor affect regulation. Hyperarousal and hypoarousal. Hyperarosal is when we tend to experience more anxiety, stress, are more tense, and overwhelmed. Hypoarousal are feelings of depression, numbness, avoidance, or just feeling low.

Our early childhood years are vital to how we learn to regulate our emotions. We see time and time again, parents who say things that teach their children to brush off their feelings. “Oh your fine,” “Get up and dust yourself off,” “Stop crying, your being over dramatic.”’ In the more extreme case, when our kids come to tell us an issue and we automatically blame them. “Well, what did you do.” If our parents don’t teach us how to deal with our emotions and feelings early on, then it is likely we will do a poor job of this later on in life.

We can even learn poor affect regulation if we grew up watching how our parents deal with their emotions. That is our first example. I look at my own kids and their first reaction to stressful situations. My 9 year old explodes. I had to look back and realize, without intention, I taught him that!! Ouch!

A good measure to see if you struggle in regulating emotions are these questions from the Trauma and Beyond Center:

Am I dysregulated?

• Do you find yourself facing mood swings on a regular basis?
• Do your reactions tend to be immediate and extreme?
• Are you familiar with the fluctuations of moving between states of numbness and states of agitation?
• Does stress cause you to feel panicked, agitated or angry?
• When faced with difficult emotions do you withdraw, feel numb, go blank?
• Do you feel “on edge”, anxious, or have trouble turning off your mind at night?
• Have you had a traumatic experience that you feel shapes the way you deal with your emotions?
• When you feel stressed, do you react by becoming lethargic, pushing off responsibilities because you’re too emotionally overwhelmed?Or do you become panicky, uneasy and hypervigilant?
• (2021, Trauma and Beyond Center)

So now that we can recognize where we are, how do we find better ways to regulate our emotions?

There are several ways we can learn to regulate our emotions.

Meditation/ Prayer- Sitting in silence with no distractions can do the mind good. We can talk to God just like we do anyone else and we can come to him just as we are. He will hear you and I can promise you, he will answer. Maybe put on some relaxing music or find a spot that is peaceful.

Therapy- Maybe people shy away from therapy because of the image of it or simply because immediately it doesn’t feel like you get any results. Maybe you even had a bad experience with therapy. It can take some time to find the right therapist, but they offer an unbiased opinion to help you sort through the difficulties you are not able to change on your own.

For my more disciplined folks you can learn new coping strategies to replace your old ones. Breathing techniques, replacing your verbiage from negative ones to positive, and changing your mindset to name a few. If you are a reader, there is a plethora of information on how to do this.

Time management- when we are anxious or stressed we may need to take time to recharge. Do something you love, take a bath, paint, read, take a walk, or exercise. Do things that cultivate a positive mindset and reset for you, whatever that may be.

Today look at your life and how you deal with stressful emotional situations. Do you become anxious, worried, stressed, and frustrated? Do you avoid it all together, go to a state of being numb, and sometimes feel depressed? What is something you can do to change the trajectory now?

I hope and pray this helped in someway.

Be blessed until next time!

Ash

You are not worthless

Because even with your flaws your worth it

Imperfectly imperfect

With a diamond underneath

He died to make you free

He gave so you can be

He loves you unconditionally

You’re human

You’re bound to make mistakes

That’s ok

You are not defined by your past

Repent, move on

Forgive quickly

Hold no remorse

Because everything you’ve been through

Was part of the course

When it doesn’t feel easy

And you struggle to hold it together

Remember

You’re never alone

Someone already walked the path that you’re on

You’re strong

Fierce

Bold

And complete

You lack nothing

You have everything you need

Stand on you’re feet

A child of God doesn’t belong in a position of defeat

Cry, yell, scream

Let it go

It’s no longer in you’re control

The battle was never yours to begin with

Because when he hung on that cross

He said it was ended

So you’re already covered

He knew what would happen

And yet he still loves you

Every predicament

Has a purpose

Every decision still

Worth it

Once step closer to who you need to be

No longer captive

You are free