DISCLAIMER: These points of trauma will be the very basics. These subjects can go so much deeper. I am just giving you a basis to start you in the right direction.

Trauma that stems from childhood comes from one of the 6 domains of development that we learn as infants through our teenage years. The next 6 posts will be on each of these domains and what happens when improperly developed in us as children.

The 6 domains are: Attachment, physical affection, affect regulation, behavioral control, cognition , and self regulation.

Each of these areas of development are the beginning to how we deal with others and ourselves throughout life.

They will help us get to the root of so many of our insecurities, defense mechanisms, and poor coping skills that we have adapted to survive from the lack of what we didn’t receive as children.

The goal is healing and finding healthier ways to handle the circumstances, people, and situations that arise in our lives now.

This is NOT, however, a means to place blame on those that may have failed us in our eyes. The Bible tells us that we are all born in sin and shaped in inequity. That means that all of us have faults and we must keep in mind that those who raised us did the best they could with what they knew and sometimes how they were taught.

Their issues even stem back to their childhood, so on and so forth.

We can use this a means to receive healing.

So let’s talk about Attachment.

Attachment can be defined as the emotional bond that forms between infant and caregiver. If we have a poor sense of emotional regulation in our adult lives, we can probably link it back to an attachment issue. This is where we form how to deal with our emotions. If we are always told as a child, “oh get over it, your fine”, “your being over dramatic”, “stop your crying.” Those things will cause us to feel like our feelings don’t matter. This plays out in our adult life by us now losing the capability to be vulnerable with our feelings because we were taught to not deal with our emotions.

Attachment bonds guide an individual’s feelings, thoughts, and expectations in relationships.

For instance, when we grow up in a house of chaos and fighting, we too will chose relationships that bread these behaviors. We will chose abusive spouses and be involved in situations with violence because it is what we know to be “normal”.

Another example is a child that experiences neglect and little positive attention. This leads to either overly looking for attention in negative ways such as, promiscuity or bullying.

Some of the things that come from attachment issues are: difficulty trusting others, being uncertain about the reliability/predictability of others, social isolation, difficulty seeking help, being clingy, and having difficulty with separation.

Do you struggle in any of these areas? I know I do. I have a real hard time asking for help. I usually justify it with “why? So it can be thrown back in my face?” This, however, is just a defense mechanism to shield myself from rejection. Another thing I struggle with is trusting people. Honestly, my trust issues stem from and attachment issue. What causes us to trust someone? Usually we trust people we can count on. So if you have experienced several let downs it can be hard to trust people. We can combat this though by remembering that people are flawed. Not everyone is going to let you down and even the ones that have, didn’t always do it intentionally.

To better understand why our parents raised us how they did or how we raise our children like we do, let’s looks at the different parenting styles.

There are 4 different styles of parenting. They are authoritative, authoritarian, permissive, and uninvolved.

This will give us a basis of which style our parents modeled and what we model to our children.

So how do we recognize how to heal attachment issues and create healthy attachment bonds in our children?

The first step is always ACKNOWLEDGMENT.

We must first identify the problem or the root of the problem. You can’t change something you don’t first recognize as an issue. Maybe you don’t recognize it because it has just become a part of who you are. Maybe no one ever showed you a different way. By healing ourselves first, it will make the path to creating healthy attachment bonds in our children easier. I said easier, not easy, right?

For instance, one thing that I have recognized in my own life, is the value of quality time spent. As we discussed if time spent is missing, children will seek it in more negative ways. One way healthy attachment is formed is by spending heartfelt quality time with our children. Let me say this, quality over quantity. It doesn’t have to be lengthy or overdone but it is in a plethora of little moments like reading a book or giving them your undivided attention when they are excited to show you something. If that is something we lacked growing up, we can change that with our own children.

As discussed in the last post, we are breaking cycles or patterns!

When we as parents are under stress, we can tend to shoo our kids away. “Give me a minute “, “not right now”, “I’ll check it out later” and later never comes. We have to be intentional in doing what is best for our children, even when we “don’t feel like it.” Intentional on showing them the best way possible. That doesn’t mean perfection. It simply means you give it your all everyday and if you have a moment where maybe you handled a situation wrong, take a second, apologize if you have to, and keep going. We are going to make mistakes! Let me burst a bubble, it’s OK TO APOLOGIZE TO YOUR KIDS! We sometimes hurt them. I believe we think that just because they are kids they don’t have feelings or because we are the adults we don’t have to apologize. WRONG!

It’s also important to have your own time alone. To unwind, destress, and gain back mental stability. This will help us do our job as parents more effectively.

We need positive outlets and sometimes extra help from other resources. For me it’s my faith. God has shown me so much about what I didn’t receive and what I need to change for my children. Therapy is also a good option. It’s good to talk to someone who doesn’t know you at all and is unbiased to your situation. They can help you work through it if you can’t on your own.

So I challenge you to look back and see where you might not have received the healthy attachment bond you needed. Look at the issues above and ask yourself if you struggle in any of those areas. If so you can now acknowledge that and start creating a healthier way to teach your own kids. One day and one step at a time!

Be blessed until next time!

Ash

“Tutorial 7 · Recognizing and Addressing Trauma in Infants, Young Children, and Their Families.” Trauma Signs and Symptoms, http://www.ecmhc.org/tutorials/trauma/mod3_1.html.